2008-07-03

The Ultimate Soccer 11 (And Four Who Just Missed)


We presented soccer sage Tyler Duffy with a challenge: Using a 3-5-2 formation, pick the best team in the world. And then select their backups. Some might argue that the 4-4-2 is more commonly used, but this formation is a cheesy attempt to squeeze in another talented midfielder, since there seem to be more of those than skilled defenders. Seen here, two of the 11’s finest, Ronaldo and Messi.

GK: Gigi Buffon (Juventus, Italy):Gigi is possibly a facist, and possibly bet on Juventus matches, but he makes saves so impossible you can’t tell whether he intended them.

D: Ricardo Carvalho (Chelsea, Portugal):Carvalho’s nickname is The Master of the Dark Arts and Wayne Rooney isn’t his biggest fan. But, the Portugal man may be the best pure defender in the world and, unlike John Terry, he can be an effective player with the ball.

D: Rio Ferdinand (Man U, England):Rio is a renaissance man. He enjoys Christmas parties, cypriot vacations with Frank Lampard and the occasional puff. He may also be found “merking” his teammates like an even less funny Ashton Kutcher. He’s also a tremendous athlete and a suffocating physical presence for opposing forwards.

D: Nemanja Vidic (Man U, Serbia):Vidic is a solid, no-nonsense defender. He’s the perfect yin to Ferdinand’s yang.

M: Cristiano Ronaldo (Man U, Portugal):Enough said.

M: Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal, Spain):Cesc is the best pure passer in the world, and has added a flair for the dramatic goal. He matured greatly last season and during the Euros.

M: Michael Essien (Chelsea, Ghana):Essien is soccer’s meast. He’s powerful. He’s quick. He can play any position. And, he can score goals like this. It’s hard to believe that he’s still so underrated.

M: Kaka (AC Milan, Brazil):He led Milan oldsters to Champions League glory. Best player on the Brazilian national team. Has a miraculous aura, which is not surprising, since he belongs to Jesus.

M: Wesley Sneijder (Real Madrid, Netherlands):He was the best player in Spain for much of the 2007-08 season, and the heat behind the Dutch Oven at Euro 2008.

F: Fernando Torres (Liverpool, Spain):Scored the Euro 2008 Final winner for Spain. He was the best striker by far in England last season. Well respected by men, even if he is a pretty boy.

F: Leo Messi (Barcelona, Argentina):The Maradona comparisons are apt. Messi may be the best player in the world when healthy. Hopefully his growth hormone treatments as a child haven’t screwed him up permanently.

Apologies to GK: Iker Casillas (Real Madrid, Spain), D:Kolo Toure (Arsenal, Ivory Coast), M:Frank Ribery (Bayern Munich, France), F: David Villa (Valencia, Spain).

Five to watch: Alexandre Pato (A.C. Milan, Brazil), Sergio Aguero (Atletico Madrid, Argentina), Daniele De Rossi (AS Roma, Italy), Theo Walcott (Arsenal, England), Javier Mascherano (Liverpool, Argentina).

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